Porn!

This year, one thing I’m very happy about is that I stopped watching porn. I’ve been wanting to do that for over ten years, but I just never found enough motivation. Now, I’m not christian, or coming at it from some sort of sexual shame or anything. But I just did not like the numbing effect it had on me mentally. And I definitely did not like the fact that I wanted to quit, but couldn’t! I like to feel in control of my actions, and in this domain I certainly did not.

I’m just one of those people who find it scary how dopamine-addicted we all are. Like, staring at our smartphones 24/7, that type of thing. It’s just terrifying how simple it is to doomscroll on facebook and such. After doing it for just a few days, you’ve already built up some momentum which makes it that much easier to just keep doing it.

Well, if the facebook feed is addictive in terms of dopamine released, then I think porn is that times a million! It’s just ridiculously easy to watch whatever you are into, whenever you want to. That’s a fucking heavy trap for us guys who tend to be very visually stimulated to begin with.

So, getting divorced was my motivation. I basically saw a fork in the road there. Either I go on, numbing any discomfort, pain or anxiety with porn. And that’s a shitty way to deal with life too, because the price you pay for numbing discomfort is of course that you numb the fun things too. You become fucking dull. Oversaturated with easy pleasure. I mean it’s pretty cool, to think about the time saved too. Now, I was not the heaviest of users, I had probably cut down pretty good since my early 20s where a couple of time per day was the norm. But still. Why hurry when you are watching beautiful naked women on a screen?

So now, I have more free time. I enjoy my free time more, since I’m not numbing myself whenever life throws some discomfort my way. And I feel more free to do what I want with my free time. Like, now I’m studying a lot. That used to be such a porn-ridden activity for me when I was younger! Study something boring -> feel bored -> porn -> study more -> feel bored -> porn, etc! Now I can just handle that it’s boring to study. I mean, I’m studying something fun. But it can still get tedious of course. It’s just cool to see that there is no urge to escape that boring feeling. I can be with it, and it’s totally fine.

I do think I increased my doomscrolling quite a lot back when I quit porn. Like, trading heroin for alcohol or something. It worked a little bit, but it wasn’t the same. Lately I had to cut that out too. It’s like, my free time is really tiny. Studying full time, working extra and also being a parent for two children, aged four and seven. I cannot fuck around with time like I could in my 20s. If I doomscroll for one hour, that is one hour I won’t be proud about. And also it’s one hour I could have done something I would be proud of! Like, engaging in a hobby, something creative, etc.

So lately I find myself pretty happy about this new direction in life.

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