Freedom

I used to be pretty clingy to any partner when I was younger. If I were dating someone, I’d be very quick to lock the thing down into a steady relationship.

This has changed for me these last years. A bad marriage was what changed it for me. Rushing into a relationship, without really letting myself stop and feel what I really want made me commit to something I should not have committed to! That went on for 11 years, with a whole spiral of shame and confusion that only someone who has gone through that sort of self-inflected ordeal can really understand! You blame yourself for the relationship not working out. “If I could only change this and that about myself”, etc. The fault is always on you, and your partner. “If she would only be a little bit more like this or that”.

In this state of existing, your world is so tiny! You cannot see that you are in fact creating this whole drama within yourself and the relationship. But it’s just that. A self-inflicted, self-created drama. What really opens your eyes is when it’s finally over. How bad you really let the whole thing become! It started out good, mostly, right? And then it just got a little bit worse, and a little bit worse. A tiny bit at a time. Just enough for you to rationalize it to yourself.

I mean, if my marriage would have started out as bad as it was in the end, good lord I would never have stayed for more than a week, if even that! But it’s that slow process of boiling the frog that does it to you! You end up in a reality so bad, and you never knew you even got there, before the relationship was sort of over.

It’s all really strange. Meeting someone new, was super strange. Here is someone who likes you for you being you, without you needing to change anything! You just make them happy by your presence. To have a pair of beautiful eyes looking at you, like no one has looked at you for many years. That stuff hits hard! It makes you realize how bad it all got.

But to walk into a relationship again? That will definitely take a while. The way I see it now, I was just immature and afraid to stand on my own two legs, back when I was younger and always going from girlfriend to girlfriend, almost deadly afraid to be without a partner. I sort of needed the validation that I was a good person, that someone would give me love. And if I did not get love, I’d change myself so I got that love. That whole gig has cost me so much pain and frustration!

Needing a partner to validate you, to tell you you are not alone, that you are a good person etc – that’s a heavy burden to lay on your partner. A burden which will eventually cause resentment to grow. They will resent you for being so clingy and needy of validation, and you will resent them back for distancing themselves from you, when you work so hard to earn their love and respect.

I mean, my head spins thinking about it. It is so much easier to unplug from the whole fucking thing, once you are truly fed up with that sort of drama. And I don’t think you are fed up with it, until you TRULY are fed up with it. I would not have been ready for saying these words a year ago, even though I was YEARS into a bad marriage.

Today, I am as fed up as can be. I am not clingy, needy, in need of a partner to validate me, etc. Hence, I’m probably more fun to be around for anyone. I have not got those nasty tentacles just trying to claw themselves into someones life. Those are some profound (for me) insights, which I bought at a hefty price.

I don’t mean to sound dramatic or negative or anything of the sorts here. I’m just mindblown at how strange life can get. And how much better it can get after having gone down a bad path for some years. I would not wish it upon anyone. But also, I would not wish that I had not gone through it. I mean, I might wish I had learned it sooner LOL but that didn’t happen. I’ve learned it now, and that’s good!

Leave a Reply Cancel reply